


Light in the Dark

by gray_autumn_sky



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-23
Updated: 2016-09-23
Packaged: 2018-08-16 23:04:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,469
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8121091
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gray_autumn_sky/pseuds/gray_autumn_sky
Summary: Loosely based off of Subtle Comfort; an alternative ending for 5x21 where Robin doesn’t die and Regina tells him about her struggles with the EQ and how she fears she’s meant to suffer. Robin comforts her and reveals a bit of his own dark past.





	

When he wakes up, he finds the space beside him empty. The blankets are bunched into his side and there’s no longer an indent on her pillow. Rubbing the back of his hand over his eyes, he blinks in the direction of the alarm clock and notes that it’s well past midnight. He sighs and shuffles out of bed, stopping for a moment at Esme’s bassinette—it’s a small miracle that she’s still asleep, he thinks to himself as he makes his way toward the hall.

Quietly, he descends the stairs and when he reaches the bottom, he can see a fire burning at the heart, and Regina’s shadow stretched out before it. He smiles softly as he comes to sit beside her, mimicking her position as he draws his knees up to his chest. He looks over at her, but she doesn’t flinch or acknowledge him in anyway; instead, she stays lost in thought as she stares beyond the fire.

“It’s late,” Robin murmurs after a few minutes.

She doesn’t reply.

“Come back to bed…”

Again, she just stares forward.

He takes a breath and reaches out and tentatively covering her hand with his, “Regina?” She looks up at the contact and her eyes are brimming with tears. “Are you okay, love?”

For a few minutes, she doesn’t say anything. Slowly, she turns back to the fire and continues to stare into it. He too looks back, watching the flames flicker as he rubs his fingers gently over the back of her hand. “You almost died today,” she finally says.

“But I didn’t.”

“I would have never forgiven myself if you had.”

“It wouldn’t have been your fault, Regina,” he insists in a gentle voice, slowly rubbing his fingers over the back of her hand. “None of what happened today was your fault.” Again, she’s quiet for a moment and he can tell that she doesn’t believe him. He slides closer and slips his arm around her shoulders, pressing a light kiss against her temple. “It wasn’t.”

“But it was,” she replies meekly. “It was my fault. If I hadn’t trusted…”

“You wanted to believe the best in your sister,” he says, trying to keep his voice steady, not wanting to revisit the fight they had earlier—at least not in this moment—though, he has to admit, he never expected Zelena to protect them; and though it’s not nearly enough to forgive everything else she’s done, it might be a start.

At that she scoffs. “I believed in her and look what happened.” She takes a shallow breath and looks over at him. “I put _your daughter_ in danger and then…”

“That wasn’t intentional.”

“But it…”

“Regina,” he cuts in, tightening her arm around her shoulders. “Regardless of why we were there, regardless of who was responsible for it, regardless of what might have happened… it doesn’t change the fact that we are here now and we’re both safe. It doesn’t change the fact that my daughter is sleeping soundly upstairs, and it doesn’t change that I love you and if given the chance, I wouldn’t do _anything_ differently.” He pauses when she turns to face him. “I would never be able to stand by idly and let someone hurt you.”

Her lips purse, but she hesitates.

“Everyone deserves love, Regina,” he says, repeating what he’d told her only the night before. “Everyone— _you_ included.”

“Why?” She murmurs in a barely audible voice. “Why do you love me?”

He blinks. The disgust in her voice is heartbreaking. “Oh, Regina…”

She looks away and stares back at the fire. “Ever since I came into your life, you’ve been miserable. Everything about your life was turned upside down. Marian came back, only for you to lose her again. My sister did…horrible things to you. She manipulated you and deceived you, she took advantage of you—and then, she tried to kill you. And then if that weren’t enough, you were separated from Roland, your infant daughter was put in danger over and over again, and then…again, your life was threatened.” She stops and inhales a short, shaky breath as she turns to face him. “All because of me…because you love me.”

He sighs. “None of that happened _because_ of you. And none of that changes the way _I feel_ about you.”

“Zelena was trying to hurt me. You were just…the way she chose to do it. And…I… _trusted_ her.”

He takes a breath. “And we’re both here now because of her…as hard as that is for me to admit.” She nods and looks back to the fire; she’s unconvinced. Taking a breath, he tries again. “You wanted to see the best in her. That’s not wrong.”

“But it wasn’t about her,” she admits quietly. “It was about…me.” Tentatively, she looks over at him and shakes her head. “I see myself in her. We’re similar—except I’m much worse.”

“That’s not true.”

“It is,” she says. “Everything she’s done, I’ve done…and worse.”

She goes on to tell him about the huntsman she hired in the Enchanted Forest to kill Snow White; she tells him what happened when she realized his deception, what his punishment had been, and she can barely look at him as she does. She explains how it continued through the cursed years in Storybrooke—how she never used his heart to force him into anything, but she did manipulate him and made him believe something that was untrue. She could have stopped it, but didn’t—in fact, her manipulation prolonged it long after it might have naturally fizzled out. It hadn’t been about the physical relationship for her, she’d confessed—she just didn’t want to be alone and she quickly realized, even in the cursed world of her creation, no one would ever really love her. And then Emma came to town and it all began to unravel, so she did what she always did—she crushed his heart. None of it was ever about Graham—it was always about her and her insecurities, just as it had been for Zelena.

“I can’t trust my instincts,” she concludes, finally looking back at him as she exhales a shaky breath, “Because I always choose wrong.”

“It may see that way,” he begins in a tentative voice. He won’t defend what she did or excuse it, but there’s no denying the remorse she feels, no denying that she recognizes how her actions hurt others and he knows that she’s tried to make amends wherever she could. She’s changed—and the person who did those things is not the person who sits beside him.  “But that’s just not true.”

“Isn’t it?” She scoffs as her focus returns to the fire. “It’s just…so exhausting.”

“What is?”

“Struggling against myself,” she murmurs. “Always trying to do the right thing and never really knowing if it is.”

“We all have that struggle.”

“No,” she says, shaking her head. “It’s…different for me, because for most people, doing the right thing comes naturally. For me, it goes against every instinct that I have.” She hesitates for a moment. “I realize that I am who I am. I did what I did, and…I have to live with that. All those years ago, I had a choice—and I chose to do terrible things, unspeakable things. Those things will always hang over me.” She swallows and instinctively, he pulls her a little closer. “And I will always wonder if…if when bad things happen to the people I love, if it’s not some sort of karma for me.”

“It’s not.”

“It feels like it is—it feels like I’m meant to suffer by watching the people I love suffer.” She pauses and he watches as she looks down at his hands over his, watching the way his fingers caress the back of her hand, and slowly, she turns her hand into his and drags her fingers over his palm. “There’s nothing worse than watching the people I love in pain.”

“I know it’s hard to accept, but you can’t keep beating yourself up over your past—and whenever something happens to someone you love, it’s _not_ your fault.” Once more, he presses a kiss against her temple. “What happened today wasn’t your fault.”

She nods, “Maybe not, but…had I made different choices when I had the chance…”

“If you’d made different choices, you wouldn’t be you.”

“Would that be such a bad thing?”

“Yes,” he’s quick to say. He sighs when she looks back at him with wide eyes. “I only mean that I happen to love _you_.”

“And what happens if I do something, what if I make the wrong choice and…I lose you and everyone else? It almost happened today…in more ways than one.”

For a moment, he stares at her, wishing more than anything she could see what he does when he looks at her—the strong, resilient woman with a generous heart who’s been through hell and back, and survived it. “Regina,” he begins, trying carefully to choose the right words. “My love for you isn’t conditional.” He waits for her to look back at him. “We’re going to disagree. We’re going to fight. We’re going to say and do things that hurt each other. It’s going to happen, but it’s not going to change the fact that I love you or that I’m proud of who you are or that there’s no one in this realm or any other I’d want to share my life with.”

He takes a breath and continues, smiling softly as her eyes finally meet his. “I know you struggle with your past, but your past doesn’t define you. No one’s does.”

“That’s easy to say when your past isn’t….well…what mine is,” she replies with a sad smile. “You saw the gravestones. You’ve seen the hearts. You’ve read the stories.”

“Yes, I have—that’s true,” he beings as his fingers lace through hers. “And I’m still here. So is Henry. So is Snow—and so are so many other people who have forgiven you, who’ve come to love you—Evil Queen, be damned.” He gives her hand a soft squeeze. “We all have a little bit of darkness.”

“I have more than _just a little bit_ …”

“As do I,” he says slowly, taking a breath and thinking of his own past—how long ago it all seems. “I don’t talk about it much, but it’s there and I live with it every day.”

Unconvinced, she looks back to the fire, “Thievery is a bit different than slaughtering villages.”

“That is true,” he says with a sardonic laugh, “But thievery is the least of my crimes.” Her brow furrows as her eyes shift back to him. “Before Marian I did…awful things. And I didn’t care. I could put an arrow through the heart of an innocent man simply because he had something I wanted and had no qualms falling into a restful sleep just afterward.” He pauses. “On the night Marian was executed, I tried to break in and free her, but…I couldn’t get past the Black Knights who surrounded the dungeon where she was kept and by the time I found a way in, it was too late.”

“Oh…” she breathes out as her eyes fall away from his. “So, you…do know. I wondered…”

“I’ve always known,” he murmurs as he gives her hand a soft squeeze.

“Why don’t you hate me for it?”

“Because I don’t blame you, I blame myself.” He sighs. “I was cavalier and justified anything I did—and Marian paid the price.”  Again, he takes a breath. “That night, though, I went back to the village where she was caught and I found the man who turned her in. I knew why he did it—it was more than obvious that he was only trying to protect his own family, he hadn’t wanted to do it or had anything against Marian, it was just what he had to do—but I didn’t care. I’d had a bit to drink and I pulled out an arrow and sent it sailing into his heart. And then I watched as he died. It wasn’t instant—and I stood there, just watching. I killed _him_ because _I_ failed Marian—and then I just…went on with my life.” Leaning in, he presses another kiss to her temple. “We all have regrets. We all have demons that we’re fighting and as terrible as the darkness is, its part of what makes us who we are.”

Her head falls to his shoulder and he hears her exhale a muffled breath. He rubs his hand over her shoulder and looks to the fire, thinking of his own misdeeds and how he’s tried to make amends, in his own ways—how the darkness played its own part in transforming him into someone admirable—and how it’s not any different for her.

“The Evil Queen being a part of you isn’t necessarily a bad thing. You’ve learned from her mistakes and you may struggle against her, but _you_ win. Time and time again, you win. And I’d venture to say those struggles have made you more empathic. You don’t judge people for their sins, you believe they can change, you believe that love can heal.”

A small, tentative smile tugs at the corner of her mouth, “I really love you, you know that, right?”

“I do,” he says with a nod, as she turns into his side, resting her head against his shoulder. Instinctively, his arms fold around her. “I know forgiving yourself is hard, moving on is hard. But trust me, Regina, _you_ are worth it.” He drops a light kiss on the nape of her neck. “Some days will be harder than others and on those days, lean on me.”

She stares at him for a moment and there’s a mix of emotion in her eyes. “I am so glad that i have you,” she says in a barely audible voice as she cuddles closer to him, letting him hold her, and he hopes that he’s helped in some way. He continues to slowly rub circles between her shoulder blades until her breathing steadies and the flame in the fireplace dwindles. Peering down, he smiles when he sees that her features have softened, the tension at her jaw has faded away and the worry lines at her brow have vanished—and when he looks at her, he can’t but think that there’s such light, even in the darkness. Leaning in, he presses a kiss to her forehead and slips an arm beneath her knees, lifting her and carrying her back upstairs with the hope that tomorrow will be an easier day.


End file.
